You should already know this…

Dear Random-Father-Grocery-Shopping-At-Safeway-Tonight,

Please do not encourage your daughter to wash her hands off using the mister that’s spraying directly over the broccoli I’m planning on getting. Just because it’s water, doesn’t mean it’s meant for washing hands.

As for the rest of you…please tell me this was an isolated incident. My faith  in mankind is having serious issues in the area of public hygiene right now, and I need some assurance that I’m not the only one that thinks its gross to wash your hands off and shake them dry using the mister that turns on in the produce area.

It’s a cruel, dark world when I begin to question ever eating a sample again.

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I love gullible people.

Today I walked to Safeway with a friend of mine who shall remain nameless due to her highly gullible nature.

We both bought bags of grapes, and she started eating hers as soon as we left the store.

“Don’t eat your grapes, they’re covered in pesticides!”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to wait till we get home–I’ll just rub them off.” She shrugged and began rubbing the grapes between her fingers and her shirt.

“You do know that doesn’t actually get the germs, off, right?”

“Yes it does, if you rub them the heat from the friction kills the germs.”

“Where on earth did you hear that?” I asked.

“This doctor told me and Holly that,” she retorted.

“What kind of a doctor, a quack doctor?”

“No, he’s not a quack doctor, he’s a real doctor, like a doctor doctor.”

Apparently, this doctor told my friend and her friend, that rubbing your hands together real fast kills germs. Aside from the obvious fact that rubbing hands together doesn’t address obvious areas like fingernails and skin creases…heat from friction? Really? He actually told them that this is why you see surgeons rubbing their hands together in movies before they put their gloves on.

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DQ

“When is the health inspector going to get around to closing this Dairy Queen down finally?”

“When they go inside.”

AJ and I were sitting in our car after church and the church parking lot is right across from Dairy Queen. Picture if you will, the oldest fast food restaurant in town where each year has left another layer of visible grime and invisible germs. The sad part is, they don’t care. It’s like a hospital gown. most people wear hospital gowns tightly wrapped around them while holding the back  scrunched closed with their hands. This Dairy Queen is like a hairy old man who doesn’t even care that he’s missing the back half of his robe. If you’ve got it–flaunt it, right?

Anyway, happy mother’s day to me.

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ten reasons i hate hot tubs

  1. They always smell funny–like chlorine, and after a while it makes my eyes burn.
  2. they constantly recirculate dead skin cells and hair.
  3. relatively small amount of water + multiple people = not enough water to properly dilute grossness.
  4. they never ever ever get cleaned properly.
  5. if you use a public one at a hotel/sports club/resort, the most frequent users of a hot tub are old men with questionable hygiene practices.
  6. awkward silences. ’nuff said. people don’t get into hot tubs to strike up conversations with strangers–they get in there to relax and be quiet. usually. there’s always someone who doesn’t know this rule.
  7. friends who have them forget how rarely normal people get the opportunity to be in a hot tub and don’t invite said normal people over as much as they should.
  8. they always end up free on craigslist which makes me think 2 things. 1: why is it free? 2: should i not get it and be disappointed now, or should i get it and be disappointed later?
  9. they make guys swim trunks bubble up like a Marilyn Monroe moment.
  10. people can fart in them and you can’t tell.
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