Impulse Buy

Ok, it wasn’t really an impulse buy. I needed new sheets for my bed and bought a set of gold satin sheets because they were on clearance at Fred Meyers for fifteen bucks. In the package in the store, they looked like a soft, muted gold. In my bedroom, on my bed, they look like they were made from a giant pair of gold parachute pants worn by a pimp in the ’80’s. Any minute now, a disco ball is going to come out of my ceiling. The words I would use to describe them, include; “rad” or “tubular”.

You ever have that defining moment when you realize that everyone is weird like you? I have. Many times. I seem to catch people doing things they wouldn’t normally admit to doing. Like the cashier at the grocery store letting out an SBD (silent-but-deadly) fart once while I was in line. I know it was her. I was the only one in line. Or the time AJ and I were driving home through Burlington and were stopped at a traffic light. We’d just been to see a movie and I had this booger that just had to come out. Stop that right now–you have them too. Anyway, I discreetly turned my head to remove the offending booger and as I did so I turned to face the man in the car next to me…who was doing the exact same thing. It was a sweet moment really, looking into a total stranger’s eyes with fingers up both our noses.


Dentists, Lie Detectors and Liars

Top question asked by Dentists:

“How often do you floss?”

What? Seriously? Why even ask that question? Because damned if I do and damned if i don’t tell the truth–they already know the answer! I was sitting in the dentists’ chair this afternoon while he probed my gums to check for gum disease just waiting for the inevitable question.

Him: “You floss much?”

Me: “Yash! Awmosh evey ‘ay” (his fingers were in my mouth).

Not that I can blame Dentists. Its a surefire way to check and see if your patient is a liar. If more people realized this, I’m sure dental appointments on video conference would be mandated┬áby hiring managers.

“Good work history…check. Strong people skills…check. Excellent references…check. Not a liar…check.”


ten reasons i hate hot tubs

  1. They always smell funny–like chlorine, and after a while it makes my eyes burn.
  2. they constantly recirculate dead skin cells and hair.
  3. relatively small amount of water + multiple people = not enough water to properly dilute grossness.
  4. they never ever ever get cleaned properly.
  5. if you use a public one at a hotel/sports club/resort, the most frequent users of a hot tub are old men with questionable hygiene practices.
  6. awkward silences. ’nuff said. people don’t get into hot tubs to strike up conversations with strangers–they get in there to relax and be quiet. usually. there’s always someone who doesn’t know this rule.
  7. friends who have them forget how rarely normal people get the opportunity to be in a hot tub and don’t invite said normal people over as much as they should.
  8. they always end up free on craigslist which makes me think 2 things. 1: why is it free? 2: should i not get it and be disappointed now, or should i get it and be disappointed later?
  9. they make guys swim trunks bubble up like a Marilyn Monroe moment.
  10. people can fart in them and you can’t tell.