Not that you asked, but…

AJ and I watched a tv episode last night where one of the main characters has a baby.Can we all just stop and agree here that Hollywood consistently misinforms us about pretty much everything?

I mean really.

With that in mind,

The Top Ten Hollywood Lies About Childbirth

  1. Everyone screams their heads off. Okay, so it’s not a silent process by any means, but open-mouth screaming? Hollywood: lots of screaming/swear words/calling random people horrible names. Reality: mostly just lots of strange noises you normally wouldn’t be caught dead making.
  2. Labor starts with your water breaking all over the floor. Hollywood: your water breaks in the middle of the mall or during a conversation that is pivotal to the plot. Reality: you’re in your hospital bed in the throes of active labor when you discover to your shock and horror that you are suddenly peeing all over your doctor. Fewer than 15% of women have their water break before labor.
  3. Labor starts suddenly.  Hollywood: one minute you’re carrying on a conversation and the next minute you’re grabbing your belly and yelling in pain and surprise. Reality: You start feeling funny which progresses to uncomfortable cramping and finally to actual labor.
  4. As soon as the baby is born everything is finished. Hollywood: after a perfunctory glance from the doctor, they hand you your smiling newborn and you all just look at the baby and stroke their cheek while the room floods with family and friends. Reality: Au contraire my friends. First, you still have to deliver the placenta, which can be surprisingly unfun. Then, there’s usually a brusque nurse with the forearms of a body-builder kneading your abdomen to help your uterus contract and slow down bleeding while you whimper in pain, someone has their arm inside you up to the elbow while they check to make sure everything came out okay, and there may or may not be stitches involved. Next comes your giant mesh underwear and a bag of ice to…ice things.
  5. Newborns always look perfect. Hollywood: the doctor hands you a snuggly little dolly-faced baby approximately two months old. Reality: This is only slightly true if you have a baby delivered via c-section. Otherwise, expect your baby to look as bad as you would expect someone who just spent several very uncomfortable hours being squished and forcibly pushed out of something that is technically a billion percent too small.  “Honey, you just gave birth to…a lizard”.
  6. Your baby-daddy becomes more baby than daddy. Hollywood: He runs around panicking because he can’t remember where the keys are or if you even own a car to begin with. Reality: most men are pretty nervous and excited, but since beginning labor can take a while, they usually have a solid chance to stay calm and get everything taken care of.
  7. Labor is excruciating. Hollywood: you go to the hospital expecting to deliver naturally in a zen mood and end up bribing someone to get you an epidural sooner. Reality: Labor really does hurt a lot. It will probably hurt more than you expected it to, but it definitely won’t be as bad as you can imagine it could be.  What, was that not comforting? Sorry.
  8. Labor is short. Hollywood: you rush to the hospital and after a few dramatic moments of orderlies running down the halls and doctors saying things like “Stat!” you are done. Reality: You get checked in and spend several hours at least, just trying to focus through contractions while your husband watches a fishing show and lovingly tries to distract you with random facts about boats.
  9. Recovery is fast and easy. Hollywood: usually this part gets skipped altogether. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. Reality: Sometimes, especially in the case of a c-section or a difficult birth, the recovery can be nearly as hard as the actual delivery. Oh, and do yourself a favor and eat some prunes. It’s just for fun.
  10. Storks do not deliver babies. Hollywood: They float down from a cloud with your perfect baby in a well-ventilated bag. Reality: Not only do you have to go through the process of building a person from scratch…inside your body, you also have the esteemed privilege of then pushing said baby out of the closest exit.

 

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In which I realize that I am in fact, a crazy cat lady.

But let me be clear; when I say “crazy” i am referring to the cats and not myself, and when I say “cats” I mean children.

Ways In Which Small Children and Cats are the Same

1. Feeding time. Both cats and small children insist on getting right underfoot and making lots of noise right before you have the food ready/can opened.

2. They both have the tendency to get wild and hyper and chase each other around the house and over furniture, knocking over lamps or anything else that’s fragile.

3. You don’t want to see either of them standing on the kitchen counters.

4. If you’re carrying something large or heavy, both cats and children will use that chance to walk slowly, directly in front of you.

5. While normally gentle, they both have been known to bite and scratch

6. Litterboxes and diapers are both disgusting.

7. Cats and small children are both well known for their ability to damage/destroy furniture.

8. They like to wake you up too early…usually by sitting on your face.

9. If there is soft dirt outside, they will find it and dig in it.

10. If they get sick the chances that they will actually vomit in in the toilet are slim to none.

 

 

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in which i become a hypochondriac with self-diagnosed narcolepsy.

So, sometime around the beginning of the year, when everyone was either making grand resolutions for the New Year or trying to be all original by saying something smart like “I don’t make New Year’s resolutions because that’s just for losers,” I decided to start blogging regularly again. Six posts. That’s as far as I got.

Here’s why. Eight months ago we were settling into our fall routine of preschool, church stuff, and a great job for AJ. As soon as I had filled in the fall calendar we found out that AJ’s job as a contracted RN was not going to be renewed with several maternity leave staff returning, and since we wanted to keep working on a contract basis to pay off all those home renovation bills faster, we decided to see if there was anything else available nearby. And then the whirlwind. We moved to Portland, discovered that we wanted to live here permanently, went house hunting, church hunting, people hunting (not that kind of hunting), neighborhood hunting, and of course new-favorite-mexican-restaraunt hunting. Next, we went back to that small Scandinavian town we grew up in to haul all our earthly possessions here and start life as we know it from scratch. Oh, but I forgot the biggest part.

This happened.

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I KNOW. On Christmas Eve Eve, in a joking attempt to put my hypochondriac tendencies to rest, we discovered a pretty big surprise.

*please observe a moment of silence here for the shock and awe we experienced.

So yes, now that I’m just past the halfway point in this pregnancy, most of that shock and awe has morphed into just regular shock and of course a mind-numbing fog of exhaustion and raging hormones.

Anyway, if the thought counts, plenty of interesting things to blog about have occurred to me since January. Unfortunately, I have either shortly forgotten them or just fallen asleep before blogging. I mean really. The reason I took that ding dang test in the first place was because suddenly I was sending AJ out the door for work in the morning and promptly falling back to sleep till noon while my children found new ways to decorate with cocoa powder and mayonnaise.  Like two weeks before this whole whirlwind hit, I took my brother’s wedding pictures. Eight months later I delivered them. I’m not even sure if that’s legal, guys. At least to my credit, I take incredible pictures so it worked out okay. I’m also highly intelligent and super humble.

And that’s where I’ve been. Old readers will notice that I changed the name of this blog from Every Day of the Year. It was time. Let’s not kid ourselves anymore.

Hopefully I’ll post again in 2013. Maybe.

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