jobs i should have

If I worked for the post office, I would read all the postcards.

If I worked at Dairy Queen, I would either give people extra ice cream, or pour in their soft-serve so that the cone was as empty as possible but you couldn’t tell till you bit into it.

If I worked at a bank, I might give those exploding money packets out that they reserve for bank robbers to people I didn’t like.

If I was a painter, I would paint funny messages first and then paint over them.

If I was a typewriter, I would mind my “P’s” and “Q’s”.

If I was a baker I would definitely wear a tall bakers hat. Definitely.

If I was a pastor, I would give people a proper dunking when I baptized them…and maybe hold them under a few extra seconds for good measure.

If I was a grocery store checker, I would never stack stuff on top of bread.

If I was a dictator, I would be the nicest one ever.

If I was a doctor, I would like to–just once–gravely address a male patient and tell him he was pregnant.

If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning. Because, if it was my job, then my neighbor couldn’t get mad at me.

If I was a used car salesperson, I would perfect a good cackling laugh and rub my hands together when ever someone came on the lot.

If I was a new car tester for automakers, I would take them to grocery store parking lots and jump all the curbs.

Just so you know…